I have been filling my blog with fun photos and silly "Madeline moments"
the past several weeks. Those postings have done great things for my spirit.
Let me explain....
the past several weeks. Those postings have done great things for my spirit.
Let me explain....
It seems after Madeline cultured pseudo in early December I lost a little
of myself. I allowed CF to control my every bit of happiness.Those culture
results hit me harderthan a ton of bricks. There really were no words to
describe how beat up I felt. It seemed like I was almost grieving for her yet
she was still here as a happy little girl. I think I became numb to the pain.
of myself. I allowed CF to control my every bit of happiness.Those culture
results hit me harderthan a ton of bricks. There really were no words to
describe how beat up I felt. It seemed like I was almost grieving for her yet
she was still here as a happy little girl. I think I became numb to the pain.
Those feelings turned to panic and every time I did something around the
house I thought, "Did I just get pseudo?" I obsessed about cleaning. I
thought about places that it could have grown. My mind played crazy
games on me and I exhausted every bit of worry
house I thought, "Did I just get pseudo?" I obsessed about cleaning. I
thought about places that it could have grown. My mind played crazy
games on me and I exhausted every bit of worry
that I could possibly find within myself.
And ...then?
My mind got tired of thinking about pseudo, blaming
myself for this, and just plain worrying.
myself for this, and just plain worrying.
ALL. THE. TIME.
It's was a horrible way to live.
To worry. To feel responsible. To carry all. that. weight.
To worry. To feel responsible. To carry all. that. weight.
And then, in the recent few weeks I have allowed myself to enjoy the moments.
And asked myself what if?
What if Madeline cultures Pseudo again?
What if ? What if? What if?
And nothing came to my mind. I dunno, "what if?"
There are so many "what ifs" in life. How can I possibly
worry about every "what if"?
There are so many "what ifs" in life. How can I possibly
worry about every "what if"?
I CAN'T! I cannot handle ALL of the "what ifs"
This is when I realized I had been trying to handle it ALL.
"This disease will control it if you let it."
Right now I am not letting it.
Instead I am just reminding myself to enjoy my little girl...
My. Very. Happy. Little. Girl!
PS: Madeline finished her inhaled antibiotic that she took for 28 days
(and her oral antibiotic.)We will wait two more weeks and return to CF
Clinic on the 28th of January for a culture to see if Pseudo is still
growing in her lungs. Please hold us close in your thoughts!
growing in her lungs. Please hold us close in your thoughts!
Prayers for a clean culture! You are a great mommy and do a fabulous job for your sweet girl. Hugs!
ReplyDeleteI agree totally with Jenny, you ARE a great mommy.
ReplyDeleteThe way I dealt with the whole pseudo thing once i'd got over the inital shock and in our case, acceptance, was to have in my mind there are far worse things Sophie could culture and if our experience is anything to go by. It has done nothing to her lungs yet. Three years and nothing.
She has completely normal lungs currently. We just jump on coughs and colds quickly to prevent any flare ups and allow her to exercise like crazy.
I hope you manage to take some of this off of your shoulders and give yourself some slack. Just look at that gorgeous girl, she's happy and healthy and doing great. She isn't that way due to pure luck, that's your loving care.
Hoping for a clear culture.
Take care Sandy.
xxx
I loved this post! ENJOY that precious little girl, don't let CF consume you. SHE'S GORGEOUS!!!! We'll be praying for you on the 28th...let me know how it goes!!!! Love you.
ReplyDelete